Throughout our lives we'll cross portals, passages, thresholds and yesterday was one of the most important ones I've been working towards: to be initiated in witchcraft. You see, I've been practicing my craft since I was young, I was still in primary school and through running and falling and crawling and standing up again, I developed my craft to what it is today. I am in no way there to school others, I find I have still so much to learn, but yesterday was the right time to cross my own threshold.

I was very lucky to get a spot in the May group from Lunadea, who offers different educations, courses and loads of experience in her craft. Being able to journey through her expertise and find footing within my own craft was enriching. While not all information was new to me, being educated, reminded and guided into what the craft is all about was absolutely worth doing this. To close down the year, everyone was able to be initiated and yesterday was my turn together with other members of the Sibbe (tribe, group).

The day started kind of chaotic for me as I had completely forgotten that the initiation would take place that evening, but by the time it began, all worries went away. Getting initiated is kind of like an exam for your own intentions, your will, you experience. It is a choice you make to finish one journey and be open or even set your first steps on the next.

I was looking forward to it so much, prepared all my tools, elements, my promise for the path ahead and Fredrik would keep an eye out so I wouldn't be disturbed for the time being. Lunadea guided and instructed and as we we're going through the initiation program, I somehow got kicked out of the celebration (it was over Zoom, so ... I mean.. things happen) and I couldn't get back in again! Which is ok, it's the downside of online-things.

So I decided to continue myself, no matter how long or short it would take. As I had asked myself who I was and why I was here I had seen nothing and it made me feel upset. I always feel I get an answer, a nudge, a hint. But aside from some different coloured marshmellows in my minds eye I stumbled upon nothingness.

So when I also lost connection with the group, I felt a recurring sadness bubbling up under the surface and I was super tired! I have never really felt or been part of anything. So much in life is temporary and I let today's world and how people treat eachother really get to me in that moment. Sitting there, my headphones on, the veil I used for the meditation still over my head, I was super close to just give up and go to bed instead.

But! A circle was cast, elements were called and if there's one thing in magic work you learn as a baby witch: you don't just go out and leave. When energy is raised we also need to give it back to the earth. I wasn't entirely ready to give up and looking at the tools in front of me, remembering how I once started in my bedroom as a teenager, I realised that maybe this was a good moment to take a deep dive and confront my own shadows. That was my initiation.

I raised each element; earth for support, water for healing, air for communication and fire for passion and thought of what each element has meant for me, when they were represented at most, how their strength worked their own magic. The kami who are everything and nothing at the same time becoming only seen as the red threat in my life in the last 2/3 years. And in full force may I add.

A little over a year ago I decided to turn my life around, then only a short time later I started my education with Lunadea and now I was at this big treshold. One that I had failed to see until the very evening of my initiation. Since March I have been throwing my whole business upside down as well. It is so connected to my path, to nature, to the elements and it is scary to go against the stream in a world like this. Largely because of humans and the systems put in place. I feel like I'm becoming invisible.

But so what if I was?

I took out my cards.

Shuffled and out jumped the 3 of Staves card. A pause. A breather.
A curling path, organic growth being cyclical and curved. I should've known! Our lives don't just go from A to B in a straight line. We'll meet all these lessons and experiences and happy and sad times. Looking back eventually we might realise we didn't even want to end up at B after all. I paused as I looked and asked myself once again: Who am I and Why am I here?.. or more: What the hell am I doing?

Why didn't I get a nudge, or a picture of a deer or a tiny frog. Like hello? 3 branches on the 3 of staves. Staves is fire, but with 3 it is contained, controlled, nurtured in the form of sprouts and seedlings shooting up. Looking at the hard work so far, understanding that there's so much ahead that I do not yet fully understand.

Good heavens this initiation was difficult and I battled massively with myself. Because I feel at this point, I'm not going anywhere. I feel that with Siren I reached the same point in March as I did with former employers: you're not being valued for who you are, people don't care and you'd rather retreat, become a recluse and remain that weird village ladies with her silly garden steeped in legends and folkbeliefs. I was being my own employer at this moment, and I am not a kind employer to myself :'), at all.

In Druidry there's a sacred void which is like a clean slate, the in-between has no color, no form and no messages. The past might be having an easier time pulling on you, but other than that this silence, this nothing is at large just pure potential.

When I was preparing the initiation and getting seated to connect with the group, my cats started fighting and I had become aware at just the same day, how much I felt that after changing everything with Siren so many windows closed. Which is not entirely based in reality, it's more so just a fear of being misunderstood.

Maybe it was exactly what I needed in this moment for the initiation to go the way it did, focusing on what I can do, what does work, what is going well and simply working on that. I tidied up the cards, grounded my energy, getting back to the here and now. I sent the elements away, thanked the Kami and opened the circle. I put some mead and gingerbread aside for after the ceremony, lifted my glass but didn't utter a word.

I didn't feel like congratulating or feeling proud or accomplished. But I did feel like I crossed a treshold and that the teachings, realisations and reflections will take their own time sinking in. I was also incredibly tired and am at this moment still not feeling too energetic, so I'm taking it slow today and continue my studies in Geology.

Maybe in this nothingness I can just rest a bit, recharge, let the world be the world. I am here to walk my own path, the unpaved, unwalked, untouched. Because from there I can always return to what it is all about, where I can hear the loudest what I need to do and follow my heart.

And maybe, just maybe, this initiation was meant to cross that portal, to not fear the unknown. To not fear the dark, the silence, the quiet. It is like soil. Soil is where everything begins. We can tend, control, add, extract, but letting the soil do it's work to regenerate while it may look like nothing is an incredibly important thing to realize.

I need a couple of days to let this experience sink in. Maybe for you, dear reader, this is all just senseless babbling. That is ok. Initiations are personal and so are our reflections, understanding and experiences, but writing it down for me makes things a bit more cohesive. And maybe when I read back this blog in a year or 2 I might understand the implications of meeting this shadow head on the way I do now, albeit with kindness and grace towards myself.

May it aid for the good of the world.

Stay kind thank you for reading,
Lene
)O(